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So this week I worked from home on Tuesday because husband had a heart failure clinic appointment. Then I was in the office for Wednesday and Thursday. I've hunted out a number of people across the university who have similar job titles to me so, presumably, similar roles. I met one of them a couple of weeks ago and another on Wednesday. It feels like there's an appetite for us to form a little 'community of practice', so I'm organising a further meeting. Of course, what I want is for a regular meeting to happen that DOESN'T rely on me being there to go ahead. But it's early days. And as an introvert's introvert, I'm quite impressed with myself for getting THIS far :D

Yesterday was husband's podiatry clinic appointment, where he was told he had beautiful feet! This is the kind of news diabetics want :D

Not sure if I've mentioned it before, but I finished my first clown, who I've named Peggy. I'm in the process of making the clothes for the second (George) BEFORE making the actual clown. Poor Peggy had to sit around naked for ages but George will be able to get dressed right away. I'll put a pic up when they're both done.

I'm getting some very strong ideas for a Nano, probably for this year. Two groups seeking the same thing but for very different reasons. Themes around keeping secrets, self-awareness, identity. I have one scene already well-shaped in my head.

I had a day out with church, today, but in a separate church building that was hired for the day. We were trying to discern where to put our limited energy and resources for the next 5 years. Something that came through really strongly was the idea of a 'new monastic community' - at the most basic level this could be a group who are committed to praying at the same time every day (but not necessarily together) and at the most extreme it could be a group who actually live together, eating, praying, creating - even working - as a community. I'm feeling a very strong pull to be involved in this - not to go for the most extreme option but definitely meeting and praying regularly with a small group.

One of the other things that came out was our 'open and inclusive' theology. A lot of the ideas this generated assumed that we are completely open and inclusive, ignoring our lack of hearing loops and the difficulty in accessing some of our buildings. Then the only black member of the group pointed out that the location that was chosen for the day was deep in white/protestant/Orange Lodge territory, and they'd actually had stones thrown at them in the past. The people who'd organised the day are white and it never occurred to them that the location might be a problem - but the building is accessible to people with mobility issues and has a sound system so everyone can hear. 'Inclusivity' is a journey that we're on!

Overall, though, a good day.
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Met up with our curate for coffee and chat the other day.  We haven't had a conversation of any kind in months and I was looking forward to it.  But the subject of ordination came up.

Now, actually, it's always a good thing to revisit my thoughts on ordination and I have done that.  I am very aware of my tendency towards stubbornness and contrariness, and I want to make sure I'm not just digging my heels in and saying, 'no' for the wrong reasons.  I don't want to find myself like Jonah - having to be swallowed by a whale before I'll listen to what God is telling me.  But I came back with the same answer; 'not now'.  But I think other people think I'm making excuses, or playing safe, or ignoring my destiny.  Or some other such crap.

But none of the experiences they describe seem to me to be unique to the ordained - they seem more like the Christian life.  Maybe you had to go through ordination and training to experience those things, but I think I can experience them as a lay person.  And the legal/holy stuff like Holy Communion and marriage don't appeal to me.  They'd be part of the job, not the reason I chose the job.

However, a couple of things did make me go, 'hmm - you have a point there'.  Firstly, I have more to give.  Yes, I do.  I am certainly not giving my all to God.  I don't get to the end of a day feeling completely emptied in the way the curate described.  My reason (excuse...?) for not doing more is that my husband needs my care and attention - but I can't claim to be a 24/7 carer :D  But family life always needs to be worked around.

The other was that I'm in a 'safe' place.  Now, on the surface, yes.  But actually the state of flux at St Bride's, the fragility of the congregation, the lack of a sizable core of people - all of that feels very unsafe.  The fact is, I've spent 15 years learning to ride the waves so that it looks like I'm in a comfortable place, when lack of security and stability are actually things that fill me with terror.

The final reason, though, is that I value my LAY ministry.  And when people talk about how I'd make a great priest it feels like they are undervaluing that.  Most of the church is made up of lay people.  They do most of the work of the church, in church-led events but also out in the real world, living their lives.  I think it's really important to see 'someone like me' up at the front.  I have a calling, yes; that has never been in doubt.  But I get to decide what that is, not my clergy.  And I am still certain that, for the moment at least, that is to be a lay leader.

In other news, I'm going for my first mammogram, today.  Curse you significant birthday!

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