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The thing about writing yesterday's entry so early is I missed out on capturing my feelings about the final meeting of the day - and now I have to relive them. So, I got quite disgruntled by some comments about my documentation AND a couple of my male colleagues got into a shouting match. Mostly it's a personality thing. If they were looking at a wooden chair with blue cushions one would say, 'the chair is blue' and the other would say, 'no, it's brown'. *facepalm* I sent a quick message to the person hosting the meeting, who thanked me for my support.

But it was good to have something else to do in the evening, so I wasn't dwelling on it too much. The Cultivate course is led by CHRISTIAN Christians. I'm really not used to sharing space with them at all, let alone so many at once. A number of St Bride's congregation are recovering Evangelicals, so that kind of company can make them twitchy. Because I haven't made that particular journey, I tend to be more relaxed about it. I'm not sure I'll get much out of the course itself, but I do want to get to know the other members of the Deanery a bit better.

I got home at a reasonable time, so I made a start on my talk for 20 October, which I did a bit more on this morning. I now have the basic structure, so I just need to build on it. I was going to pause my Nano prep next week and do that instead but I won't have enough time to finish the character sheets and plot outline, let alone the scene list. Darn...

This morning I watched this - a video about how video games make us better people, from sharpening our minds to increasing our empathy. I am absolutely certain FFVIII saved my sanity, and my employer a lot of money in therapy! The comments are also lovely and include someone with severe disabilities but who goes on the same amazing adventures that I do.

Today I buried myself in my 'darkside' playlist, filled with songs about risky behaviours I've never even considered indulging in. I was still a little disgruntled about yesterday, and then felt bombarded by the randomest stuff, but having Crawling, Sworn and Broken, She Talks to Angels, and Love and Violence blasting down my ears soothed my troubled soul. I also hope it's the sort of thing my Siblings in Christ from last night would be horrified by :D

But I got through the day and actually made progress on various things - and learned some more about P4W/Dynamics, and how to edit a report in PowerBI (not up to building a new one, yet!).

All-in-all a good day, I feel.
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Met up with our curate for coffee and chat the other day.  We haven't had a conversation of any kind in months and I was looking forward to it.  But the subject of ordination came up.

Now, actually, it's always a good thing to revisit my thoughts on ordination and I have done that.  I am very aware of my tendency towards stubbornness and contrariness, and I want to make sure I'm not just digging my heels in and saying, 'no' for the wrong reasons.  I don't want to find myself like Jonah - having to be swallowed by a whale before I'll listen to what God is telling me.  But I came back with the same answer; 'not now'.  But I think other people think I'm making excuses, or playing safe, or ignoring my destiny.  Or some other such crap.

But none of the experiences they describe seem to me to be unique to the ordained - they seem more like the Christian life.  Maybe you had to go through ordination and training to experience those things, but I think I can experience them as a lay person.  And the legal/holy stuff like Holy Communion and marriage don't appeal to me.  They'd be part of the job, not the reason I chose the job.

However, a couple of things did make me go, 'hmm - you have a point there'.  Firstly, I have more to give.  Yes, I do.  I am certainly not giving my all to God.  I don't get to the end of a day feeling completely emptied in the way the curate described.  My reason (excuse...?) for not doing more is that my husband needs my care and attention - but I can't claim to be a 24/7 carer :D  But family life always needs to be worked around.

The other was that I'm in a 'safe' place.  Now, on the surface, yes.  But actually the state of flux at St Bride's, the fragility of the congregation, the lack of a sizable core of people - all of that feels very unsafe.  The fact is, I've spent 15 years learning to ride the waves so that it looks like I'm in a comfortable place, when lack of security and stability are actually things that fill me with terror.

The final reason, though, is that I value my LAY ministry.  And when people talk about how I'd make a great priest it feels like they are undervaluing that.  Most of the church is made up of lay people.  They do most of the work of the church, in church-led events but also out in the real world, living their lives.  I think it's really important to see 'someone like me' up at the front.  I have a calling, yes; that has never been in doubt.  But I get to decide what that is, not my clergy.  And I am still certain that, for the moment at least, that is to be a lay leader.

In other news, I'm going for my first mammogram, today.  Curse you significant birthday!

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