A bed of roses

Met up with our curate for coffee and chat the other day.  We haven't had a conversation of any kind in months and I was looking forward to it.  But the subject of ordination came up.

Now, actually, it's always a good thing to revisit my thoughts on ordination and I have done that.  I am very aware of my tendency towards stubbornness and contrariness, and I want to make sure I'm not just digging my heels in and saying, 'no' for the wrong reasons.  I don't want to find myself like Jonah - having to be swallowed by a whale before I'll listen to what God is telling me.  But I came back with the same answer; 'not now'.  But I think other people think I'm making excuses, or playing safe, or ignoring my destiny.  Or some other such crap.

But none of the experiences they describe seem to me to be unique to the ordained - they seem more like the Christian life.  Maybe you had to go through ordination and training to experience those things, but I think I can experience them as a lay person.  And the legal/holy stuff like Holy Communion and marriage don't appeal to me.  They'd be part of the job, not the reason I chose the job.

However, a couple of things did make me go, 'hmm - you have a point there'.  Firstly, I have more to give.  Yes, I do.  I am certainly not giving my all to God.  I don't get to the end of a day feeling completely emptied in the way the curate described.  My reason (excuse...?) for not doing more is that my husband needs my care and attention - but I can't claim to be a 24/7 carer :D  But family life always needs to be worked around.

The other was that I'm in a 'safe' place.  Now, on the surface, yes.  But actually the state of flux at St Bride's, the fragility of the congregation, the lack of a sizable core of people - all of that feels very unsafe.  The fact is, I've spent 15 years learning to ride the waves so that it looks like I'm in a comfortable place, when lack of security and stability are actually things that fill me with terror.

The final reason, though, is that I value my LAY ministry.  And when people talk about how I'd make a great priest it feels like they are undervaluing that.  Most of the church is made up of lay people.  They do most of the work of the church, in church-led events but also out in the real world, living their lives.  I think it's really important to see 'someone like me' up at the front.  I have a calling, yes; that has never been in doubt.  But I get to decide what that is, not my clergy.  And I am still certain that, for the moment at least, that is to be a lay leader.

In other news, I'm going for my first mammogram, today.  Curse you significant birthday!