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rosa_heartlily For a while now, I've been doing a form of prayer that has it's roots in Zen - you picture a person in your heart, ask for them to be circled by love, ask that they be happy, at peace and free from trouble. You start with people you like a lot, move on to people you're indifferent about, and finish with people you actively dislike. This has been helpful in reminding me that EVERYONE is a child of God, is loved by God, is an aspect of God - as much as I am. It's a humbling realisation.
Over the last few nights, I have been feeling an active glow in my heart, a warmth, even (especially?) when I've got to the 'actively dislike' phase. But there has also been a persistent 'blockage' or wall or shell - a restriction that has kept my heart small, not allowing it to expand.
Another practice I'm using is to read the daily meditations from Richard Rohr, an advocate of non-dual thinking and leading contemplative. Yesterday, the phrase that jumped out at me was about the habits we form as children that are ultimately unworkable programmes for happiness and are examples of addictive behaviour. I came up with quite a list - food, telly, music, gaming, gossip and fantasy. This final one is something that I've always done and has almost got me into trouble a few times.
I'll imagine a scene that I want to happen, or reimagine one along the lines of what I wish had happened. This can lead to memories so strong that I almost believe it actually happened and have been on the verge of telling someone, 'I spoke to so-and-so earlier, and they said...'. Thankfully, I have always caught myself! It has also warped my thinking about the person in the fantasy, so I expect them to think and act the way they did in my head. What tends to happen is that I'll rerun the same fantasy over and over, tweaking and 'perfecting' it. I have got better over the years at stopping the reruns, recognising that they are deeply unhelpful to my relationships. They are placing unrealistic expectations on the other person and distracting me from what's actually happening around me.
But recognising them as an addiction was a revelation. I actually felt that blockage around my heart breaking apart. It was the most freeing moment I have ever experienced. I don't promise I'll never fall into the fantasy trap again, but at this moment it holds zero attraction to me. In the past, it has been something I have resisted with varying levels of success. Now, it is something I see no value in.
And my heart sings for joy.
Over the last few nights, I have been feeling an active glow in my heart, a warmth, even (especially?) when I've got to the 'actively dislike' phase. But there has also been a persistent 'blockage' or wall or shell - a restriction that has kept my heart small, not allowing it to expand.
Another practice I'm using is to read the daily meditations from Richard Rohr, an advocate of non-dual thinking and leading contemplative. Yesterday, the phrase that jumped out at me was about the habits we form as children that are ultimately unworkable programmes for happiness and are examples of addictive behaviour. I came up with quite a list - food, telly, music, gaming, gossip and fantasy. This final one is something that I've always done and has almost got me into trouble a few times.
I'll imagine a scene that I want to happen, or reimagine one along the lines of what I wish had happened. This can lead to memories so strong that I almost believe it actually happened and have been on the verge of telling someone, 'I spoke to so-and-so earlier, and they said...'. Thankfully, I have always caught myself! It has also warped my thinking about the person in the fantasy, so I expect them to think and act the way they did in my head. What tends to happen is that I'll rerun the same fantasy over and over, tweaking and 'perfecting' it. I have got better over the years at stopping the reruns, recognising that they are deeply unhelpful to my relationships. They are placing unrealistic expectations on the other person and distracting me from what's actually happening around me.
But recognising them as an addiction was a revelation. I actually felt that blockage around my heart breaking apart. It was the most freeing moment I have ever experienced. I don't promise I'll never fall into the fantasy trap again, but at this moment it holds zero attraction to me. In the past, it has been something I have resisted with varying levels of success. Now, it is something I see no value in.
And my heart sings for joy.
