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Where did that week go?
May. 9th, 2020 07:30 amSo, my week off has been filled with acceptable amounts of cleaning, gaming (mostly FFVIIIR) and watching telly (mostly Travelers). It hasn't gone quickly enough to make my head spin but it suddenly seems to be over... On Monday, it'll be back to sitting on my bed working, with theradbrad playing FFVIIR playing on the telly. And today is a normal washing/cleaning Saturday with some Bear With Me thrown in for good measure.
Yesterday, I began my 50th year. 49 years ago, I was a day old. 48 years ago, I'd just had my first birthday with my parents. 47 years ago, my father had been dead for about 2 months. 33 years ago, I had just got/was about to get pregnant with my daughter. 30 years ago, I was already pregnant with my son. 28 years ago, I was in the midst of planning my wedding. 14 years ago, I was looking forward to the arrival of my grandson. 9 years ago, I was in the midst of a week of celebrations for my 40th.
This year, the husband and I both feel slightly cheated. We had planned a family meal out last weekend (which fell between our two birthdays), but now we just don't know when we'll be able to get together with them, let alone go out.
I have come to an understanding about myself, this week. Last Sunday's Bible reading was Jesus saying, 'I am the Gate'. The Rector asked us to think about which part of ourselves had first brought us to Jesus. And which bit do all the other parts listen to. 'That's easy!' I thought. 'I was 7 when I asked my mother if we could go to church on Sunday. It was my inner child.' But as I thought about it more and more, I realised it wasn't my inner 7-year-old, it was my inner 2-year-old. Which explains a lot.
My inner 2-year-old doesn't throw temper tantrums, she hides. She's constantly afraid of provoking other people's anger. My father's sudden death must have generated strong feelings in my mother, feelings that the confused toddler that was me interpreted as anger that she had caused. I've spent a lot of time this week mentally cuddling that poor little mite, and telling her it had nothing to do with her.
Which is all good. But, that toddler is the bit every other part of me listens to. No wonder I've made what might most generously be called 'unwise' decisions all my life! I find myself caught in the most ridiculous dilemmas (did he really want bolognese? but he's been talking about just having cheese all day! but he SAID bolognese, I'm sure he did...), and always seem to make the wrong choice. Because that poor little toddler is trying to make the choice that will NOT lead to anger - but like Alice trying to get away from Looking Glass House, she always finds herself walking right in that door.
At first, I thought I needed to try to get the toddler to 'grow up'. But toddlers aren't supposed to be grown up! I actually need to move her out of the way and find a more mature part of myself to take over. I've decided my heart should step up and take some responsibility, so that I act from love, not fear. The biggest problem at the moment, of course, is that it's the toddler that has the 49 years of life experience!
Anyway, being aware of and naming the problem are huge steps forward. Let's just hope I have another 49 years ahead of me for my heart to get the hang of this being in charge thing!
Yesterday, I began my 50th year. 49 years ago, I was a day old. 48 years ago, I'd just had my first birthday with my parents. 47 years ago, my father had been dead for about 2 months. 33 years ago, I had just got/was about to get pregnant with my daughter. 30 years ago, I was already pregnant with my son. 28 years ago, I was in the midst of planning my wedding. 14 years ago, I was looking forward to the arrival of my grandson. 9 years ago, I was in the midst of a week of celebrations for my 40th.
This year, the husband and I both feel slightly cheated. We had planned a family meal out last weekend (which fell between our two birthdays), but now we just don't know when we'll be able to get together with them, let alone go out.
I have come to an understanding about myself, this week. Last Sunday's Bible reading was Jesus saying, 'I am the Gate'. The Rector asked us to think about which part of ourselves had first brought us to Jesus. And which bit do all the other parts listen to. 'That's easy!' I thought. 'I was 7 when I asked my mother if we could go to church on Sunday. It was my inner child.' But as I thought about it more and more, I realised it wasn't my inner 7-year-old, it was my inner 2-year-old. Which explains a lot.
My inner 2-year-old doesn't throw temper tantrums, she hides. She's constantly afraid of provoking other people's anger. My father's sudden death must have generated strong feelings in my mother, feelings that the confused toddler that was me interpreted as anger that she had caused. I've spent a lot of time this week mentally cuddling that poor little mite, and telling her it had nothing to do with her.
Which is all good. But, that toddler is the bit every other part of me listens to. No wonder I've made what might most generously be called 'unwise' decisions all my life! I find myself caught in the most ridiculous dilemmas (did he really want bolognese? but he's been talking about just having cheese all day! but he SAID bolognese, I'm sure he did...), and always seem to make the wrong choice. Because that poor little toddler is trying to make the choice that will NOT lead to anger - but like Alice trying to get away from Looking Glass House, she always finds herself walking right in that door.
At first, I thought I needed to try to get the toddler to 'grow up'. But toddlers aren't supposed to be grown up! I actually need to move her out of the way and find a more mature part of myself to take over. I've decided my heart should step up and take some responsibility, so that I act from love, not fear. The biggest problem at the moment, of course, is that it's the toddler that has the 49 years of life experience!
Anyway, being aware of and naming the problem are huge steps forward. Let's just hope I have another 49 years ahead of me for my heart to get the hang of this being in charge thing!
